So yesterday I had a friend ask me if I am happy and my reply was "relatively". At the time, I thought I knew what I meant by that...the conversation goes on, we talk about life, love, and the seemingly never ending pursuit of happiness, and I begin to wonder at my response. RELATIVELY...what DID I mean exactly by that? The word means "in comparison with something else". What is the "something else"? What do I feel I'm missing? Quite alot actually. I'm 48 years old; pretty intelligent on a good day; I think I've gained some wisdom through out my years, and yet....I find my self at a stalemate... at a draw in lifes game. (The word "stalemate" is also used for a metaphor when a conflict has reached an impasse and resolution seems difficult or impossible, i.e. a no-win situation.)I use that Wiki reference here because that sums up my feelings on any given day.
I know I have something to offer this world, and I know from my own choices I have greatly limited my abilities to do so; what now? What next?? How does a married woman with business ties to her husband as well, separate herself as an individual who has ideas of her own and wants to implement those ideas and the talents that God has given her without it being detrimental to the marriage? And how does she NOT do this without dying a slow mental death? I truly believe the adage " without the ability to express yourself, you die a little bit each day".
I used the term "forfeit" the other day in a group setting, in terms of what I feel we sometimes have to do with our own plans when we get married. The response was hilarious; An audible gasp. It was as if I had used some profane word. Yet, the more I thought about it later, I wondered how many others feel the same? ARE there others who feel the same? I think there are many of us, male and female who have used that exact word for their situation and I think it's wrong; wrong that we feel that way; wrong that we do feel that way; and wrong that we feel trapped by it. Yes, we make choices, and yes all choices come with repurcussions and consequences, but who's to say we can't right those wrongs within the perameters of keeping our present commitments? I know this to be true but haven't quite figured out how.
In the end, I believe Jeremiah 29:11 " For (He) knows the plans (He) has for me; plans for a future and a hope" so I guess I will continue to pray for His will to be done and for me to recognize it when it gets here. In the meantime, I hope this resonated with someone else and that while you too may be feeling the ill effects of a life in limbo, you will also rest in the knowledge that He is God and "all things (really) do work together for (our) good".
I'm gone.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A Womans Heart
I'm reading this book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge; the back cover makes the statement, which I feel is an appropriate guide to the message inside- " Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman are telling you of the life God created you to live"
It seems just when I think I have discovered my true self, my true calling, God sits me down and reveals more to the story; opening up more compartments in my heart and exposing the long forgotten hopes, dreams, and disappointments of a scared little girl hiding behind her Granny's coat; things that either I've forgotten or I assumed would never happen so I just let thm float away rather than dwell on the disappointment of unfulfilled dreams.
But God. Since my last post in the 'Serendipity' blog, I got a tattoo... It is on my wrist, and it very small (although that didn't diminish the pain; being the pansy that I am, in the 8 minutes it took the artist to actually tattoo it, I though I was going to die!) it simply states "but God!".I have always loved any form of self expression, whether it be t-shirts with sayings on them, bumper stickers that express a belief, especially if they are funny, and tattoos, if they too express a heart felt passion; this one does that for me.
"but God!" reminds me and tells others that although I may have disillusions and disappointments and that while my life has had twists and turns that I wish I could have avoided, God has always been in control. So it is with our hearts desires. God tells us "I will give you the desires of your heart". Have you ever wondered why He says that? Wouldn't it make more sense if the God of the universe, all knowing, said "I will give you my hearts desires"? Surely HIS hearts desires are better for me than the things I could come up with, right? He says it that way because our hearts desires ARE His hearts desires! God is the one, in His unconditional love for us gives us a passion for the things that will bring us closer to Him and closer to our true selves; who we were individually created to be.
In "Captivating" the author makes the statement ' the culture of women in the church today is crippled by some very pervasive lies. "To be spiritual is to be busy. To be spiritual is to be disciplined. To be spiritual is to be dutiful." No...to be spiritual is to be in a romance with God. The desires to be romanced lies deep in the heart of every woman. It is for such that you were made.' As women, we were designed to be passionate about our desires; to seek the romance of life.
Passion and romance are the two things that keep a womans heart beating. Not in the Harlequin Novels sense of the word, but in the truest sense; it's what keeps us motivated and on mission in this life. A passion for those we love, for seeing them succeed, and for playing a role in that success. To be romanced by the one we love, the one we give our heart to. I'm not talking candy and flowers (although that too would be nice from time to time :) but what God shows us the book of Song of Soloman; to show us that the desire we have for romance is not only okay, but that He created that in us.
As I get older I think I am starting to see a little more clearly the passions I have for the things of God rather than for myself and I realize how closely related they are; but how I allowed my busyness, disciplines, and self inflicted duties to lead me on a path more towards my own than His. God is showing me, daily, through His word, the book "Captivating" and through the wisdom of godly women He has so graciously placed in my life, that He never intended for me to set aside those dreams and hopes, but to fully act upon them, knowing they are His too for my life. That He really does "place them in our hearts before he places them in our hands". Maybe at 48 years old I'm finally growing up enough to recognize and act upon those things I dreamed of as a child.
I'm gone.
It seems just when I think I have discovered my true self, my true calling, God sits me down and reveals more to the story; opening up more compartments in my heart and exposing the long forgotten hopes, dreams, and disappointments of a scared little girl hiding behind her Granny's coat; things that either I've forgotten or I assumed would never happen so I just let thm float away rather than dwell on the disappointment of unfulfilled dreams.
But God. Since my last post in the 'Serendipity' blog, I got a tattoo... It is on my wrist, and it very small (although that didn't diminish the pain; being the pansy that I am, in the 8 minutes it took the artist to actually tattoo it, I though I was going to die!) it simply states "but God!".I have always loved any form of self expression, whether it be t-shirts with sayings on them, bumper stickers that express a belief, especially if they are funny, and tattoos, if they too express a heart felt passion; this one does that for me.
"but God!" reminds me and tells others that although I may have disillusions and disappointments and that while my life has had twists and turns that I wish I could have avoided, God has always been in control. So it is with our hearts desires. God tells us "I will give you the desires of your heart". Have you ever wondered why He says that? Wouldn't it make more sense if the God of the universe, all knowing, said "I will give you my hearts desires"? Surely HIS hearts desires are better for me than the things I could come up with, right? He says it that way because our hearts desires ARE His hearts desires! God is the one, in His unconditional love for us gives us a passion for the things that will bring us closer to Him and closer to our true selves; who we were individually created to be.
In "Captivating" the author makes the statement ' the culture of women in the church today is crippled by some very pervasive lies. "To be spiritual is to be busy. To be spiritual is to be disciplined. To be spiritual is to be dutiful." No...to be spiritual is to be in a romance with God. The desires to be romanced lies deep in the heart of every woman. It is for such that you were made.' As women, we were designed to be passionate about our desires; to seek the romance of life.
Passion and romance are the two things that keep a womans heart beating. Not in the Harlequin Novels sense of the word, but in the truest sense; it's what keeps us motivated and on mission in this life. A passion for those we love, for seeing them succeed, and for playing a role in that success. To be romanced by the one we love, the one we give our heart to. I'm not talking candy and flowers (although that too would be nice from time to time :) but what God shows us the book of Song of Soloman; to show us that the desire we have for romance is not only okay, but that He created that in us.
As I get older I think I am starting to see a little more clearly the passions I have for the things of God rather than for myself and I realize how closely related they are; but how I allowed my busyness, disciplines, and self inflicted duties to lead me on a path more towards my own than His. God is showing me, daily, through His word, the book "Captivating" and through the wisdom of godly women He has so graciously placed in my life, that He never intended for me to set aside those dreams and hopes, but to fully act upon them, knowing they are His too for my life. That He really does "place them in our hearts before he places them in our hands". Maybe at 48 years old I'm finally growing up enough to recognize and act upon those things I dreamed of as a child.
I'm gone.
Monday, January 24, 2011
God's Just Cool Like That!
So I had lunch today with an old friend and her husband. I say old because we were friends a long time ago not because either of us are remotely aging in any sense of that word!
Anyway, I hadn't seen her in many year, and life has a way of causing time to go by way too fast; but it's funny how there are some people that your soul just connects with even at a young age, that rekindles itself instantaneously when we meet them again. That's how it was with this particular friend. I remember her as a young girl who was constantly smiling and making people laugh; who seemed to love life and with an ease shared that love with others. The woman sitting across from me today would not have believed that as we talked about life issues and how difficult they can be, I still only saw the happy smiling young girl that I went to school with. Her resilience is remarkable.
Yes, life has left us both with scars, some visible, some not so much, but the same spirit she exhibited way back then was evident even today. The spirit that made all of us just want to be around her; want to be her friend.
I just love it when God sets up what I refer to (as do many) as "Divine Appointments". When He allows us to have those times where we meet up with some one, known, unknown, or getting to know again...and we get to have moments where the dialogue is so "God -Themed" that you both leave knowing that there was much more going on than just re-establishing a friendship. That's what I felt happened at lunch. For myself, I walked away knowing that God was in the midst of that conversation, and that all of us will be better for it.
Once more God has proven to me just how stinkin' awesome He is!
Anyway, I hadn't seen her in many year, and life has a way of causing time to go by way too fast; but it's funny how there are some people that your soul just connects with even at a young age, that rekindles itself instantaneously when we meet them again. That's how it was with this particular friend. I remember her as a young girl who was constantly smiling and making people laugh; who seemed to love life and with an ease shared that love with others. The woman sitting across from me today would not have believed that as we talked about life issues and how difficult they can be, I still only saw the happy smiling young girl that I went to school with. Her resilience is remarkable.
Yes, life has left us both with scars, some visible, some not so much, but the same spirit she exhibited way back then was evident even today. The spirit that made all of us just want to be around her; want to be her friend.
I just love it when God sets up what I refer to (as do many) as "Divine Appointments". When He allows us to have those times where we meet up with some one, known, unknown, or getting to know again...and we get to have moments where the dialogue is so "God -Themed" that you both leave knowing that there was much more going on than just re-establishing a friendship. That's what I felt happened at lunch. For myself, I walked away knowing that God was in the midst of that conversation, and that all of us will be better for it.
Once more God has proven to me just how stinkin' awesome He is!
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